bearing it all. Galatians 6:2

The community at OCCA has been a very unique gift. i have learned a lot from them. i could go on about that forever... but wanted to focus this post on how i have seen God work in community, how he has spoken to me through the community, and opened my eyes to the beauty of being in community.

i want to first recognize that i know this community is unique. to have 28 people together who have a similar passion to know God, to make Him known, and to love each other deeply, it's rare and hard to create outside of programs that I am in. but it is an example of what the church can look like, and a glimpse of the body of Christ.

one of our tutors vince said "get 28 people together from different countries, different backgrounds, and put them in close quarters for a year- sounds like a recipe for a bad reality show. what is different here? God." we all have the power of the Holy Spirit, the author of love and compassion helping us and allowing us to build deep and intentional community. it has been quite amazing to see the community form, and how close we have gotten within 3 months of knowing each other. it has been so eye opening to get outside of america, outside of my bubble, and learn from backgrounds and perspectives from around the world.

how have i seen this? well first of all i think we just really enjoy being with one another so we just do things together. we cook dinner, we go to pubs, sit at coffee shops, go to church, etc. at thanksgiving we all rallied and cooked a big meal together. go americans! ha. when one of us is struggling or going through a hard time, we have gathered together to fast and pray. when someone is encountering a lot of hard questions, we divide them up and work together to answer them the best we can. we update each other on how God is working in the communities we are in, and pray that God would be at work. we talk about hard topics, wrestle through them together, talk about theology, and just talk about life.

God has really used this community to shape and mold me. as part of this transformation, he has opened my heart to trust Him and trust this community. part of bringing me out of my anxiety was bringing me out of a lot of ways i was trying to cling to security and protection within myself. not allowing myself to give and be totally honest with the community, therefore not letting others help me or speak into my life. these walls have started to crumble. how? a lot of raw honesty. there are a few people in this community that have really been able to listen and encourage and pray. its taken some raw honesty and kind of bearing all- but in hope and in trust that God is transforming and that through prayer and through community things can change. and its been amazing.

some people who i am close to can really relate to my battle with perfectionism. meaning, we don't like that we hold ourselves to the standard of perfection. i did not see how much this was affecting me until being in this community, and realizing how much it has robbed me of just trying things. one day over lunch a good friend said "rachel, why don't you start holding yourself accountable to learning instead of perfection." i did not even see that this was hard for me- but ever since that lunch, those words have been so great to remind myself of. learning, and being in process, is part of the journey.

this truth has crept into so many areas of learning for me... throughout the semester. embrace the process. in a grand scheme of community, i have learned to fight for friendships. that the people are worth more than your feelings, conflict, etc. the community here has seen me at my best and at my worst, and they are still here, still encouraging me and still for me. its been a great picture of unconditional love. and if this is a vision of human love, how much more unconditional love does God have for us? i have prayed and hope that i can be someone who can truly love through the thick and thin. its easier said than done. but this has been a great place to learn that. to push through trial, conflict, differences, and just choose to love.


i'll give two quick specific examples of how honesty and intentionality have blended together to build community.
1) David (from Hungary), Winston (from South Africa) and I have been meeting to pray in the mornings. after about a week or so of praying you realize that you need to break the ice, and share deep things that need prayer. they have taught me so much about Christ and His heart, and how He looks at struggles and situations that need prayer. once again, seeing the importance of opening up places in my heart to let Christ's light and truth shine in.
One day Winston and I were walking to church, and it was a hard day for me. emotionally, mentally, physically. I was telling Winston how I was pleading for God to take some of these struggles away, and  how I was just tired. tired of battling within my heart and mind, tired of asking for healing, tired of trying to be okay with "being in process." he responded with an analogy that i bring to mind quite often:

"Rachel, lets pretend you have to go in for a major surgery. You are put to sleep, the doctor starts cutting, doing whatever he needs to do to take this tumor out of you. you wake up in the middle of it, look down, and start freaking out. you see how gross things look, you feel exposed, vulnerable, you don't like being cut open, and wish he would just stop right there and let you go. would that be productive? no. 1) you would not be rid of the tumor 2) there is no way you could walk out of the hospital mid procedure. He said you are on the operating table right now. You have woken up, and you don't like anything about what you see. You are having to be honest, you feel exposed, and you are doubting whether or not this is a good thing. But you have to trust that God is the best surgeon there is. He is really good at what he does. So rest, on the table, trusting that He is doing exactly what needs to be done, and taking just the right amount of time to do it. Trust that these Hands are the best hands that could be doing work on you."

Boom. need i say more? if you are in a place of feeling under construction (which we all are, all the time) and unsure about what God is doing, i hope you can find some hope in that analogy. God is perfect at what he does.

He also gave me an analogy of momentum. Nothing can stop God from loving you, and loving you perfectly. Your sin can't come in the way. Your anxiety can't come in the way. Your unbelief can't come in the way. You cannot throw something in the way of God's momentum to make it come to a halt, or make it stop. He loved you first, perfectly and completely and He is on a mission to love you. (Romans 5:6-8)

2) Our huddle. all the students in OCCA were broken up into groups called huddles, similar to small groups, to process and grow together. we meet on thursdays after chapel and have the opportunity to discuss our walks with God, prayer, relationships with others, ways that we are struggling, what we are wrestling with, what is bringing us joy, how God is teaching us, etc. It has been a great time of accountability and vulnerability. building trust and authenticity in relationships. Each person is brutally honest about themselves, and we are able to speak into the deep places of others, while being challenged ourselves. ours is led by Jo (she is the bomb) who really cares about getting to know us but pushing us too. it has been another wonderful glimpse at unconditional love, having to get over what people could think of me, and trusting that we are here to build one another up. i am so thankful for it.


so i just wrote another novel... but can't say that I am sorry ;) i hope that this post can encourage you. that it can show you the beauty of community, and the reward of working hard for it, but enjoying it just as well. that authentic community is possible. and that God can use community to show us more about Himself.

cheers!

worship.

I learned a lot about worship this semester.
the definition of worship: adoring reverence or regard.
in the dictionary it says it can be towards God or to any object that can be considered sacred.
Tim Keller has had many thoughts on worship... and the importance of it. We all worship something, because we were created to worship. This semester I realized that worship does not simply have to be reading the Bible, praying, singing, but it is something deeply entrenched in our hearts and minds. And other things can replace it. We need an encounter with the living God to change our hearts and minds to worship Him in the place that he deserves. These next few blog entries are about my encounters with the living God this semester... and how he truly transformed my heart. Being in a place where I felt a lot of my heart was laid bare, times where I felt hopeless, and felt stuck. God really decided to meet me. He did not only take away a lot of my anxiety and hopelessness, but he replaced it with his love and his grace. 

I thought I would start with some Scripture and songs that really spoke to me this semester. I see this as a foundation of transformation- God opening my heart and mind to new things in the Bible, allowing me to find hope in them, and to praise him through song. singing is one of my favorite things to do, so when He brought songs that allowed my heart to praise Him regardless of the situation I was in, and claim truth about who God is and what He has done, i found such freedom. 

I found starting my day with reading from the Bible, even if it is a verse or too, and starting with worship (singing), really transformed my outlook on the day. these verses gave me hope in the morning, were verses friends gave to me, verses I prayed through, and that I read in devotionals. Looking over my journal I saw that they surrounded my whole semester. 

I hope that you can find some encouragement in them!!! 

Philippians 4:12-13 “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

1 Peter 1:8-9 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

 John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”

Hebrews 12:2-3 And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

2 Cor 3:17-18 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Psalm 63 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2063&version=NIV

Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.”

Psalm 130 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%20130&version=NIV

1 Peter 5:7 -11 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”

 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Romans 5:5- 8 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. 6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Isaiah 61:10 I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. 8 They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

---songs---

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love, he has compassion on all that he has made, praise the Lord, o my soul. Praise the Lord."

“I rise as You are risen

Declare Your rule and reign

My life confess Your Lordship

And glorify Your Name

Your word it stands eternal

Your kingdom knows no end

Your praise goes on forever

And on and on again

No pow'r can stand against You

No curse assault Your throne

No one can steal Your glory

For it is Yours alone

I stand to sing Your praises

I stand to testify

For I was dead in my sin

But now I rise.”

-      Beneath the Waters, Hillsong

“You're the promise, never failing, You are my reward, You are my reward. I let go of all I am just to have all of you and no matter what the cost I will floowl you, Jesus everything I’ve lost I have found in you, when I finially reach the end I’ll say, you are worth it all.” - Ben Cantelon, Worth it All 

“With every breath I breathe, with every song I sing, to every word you speak I want to shout it out, Lord I am listening, to every word you speak, I’ll go where you will lead, to love the least of these is my greatest offering” - All Sons and Daughters, Spirit Speak 

“Lord, teach me to pray, not just words, not what to say, but my heart and where it should lay, Lord teach me to pray. Let your kingdom come, and let your will be done, in my heart and in my life, as it is in heaven, as it is in heaven.” - a song one of my friends played in worship on a thursday morning!

One Thing Remains- Jeremy Riddle

Your Glory- All Sons and Daughters

Psalm 23- Enter the Worship Circle

Beautiful- Enter the Worship Circle

Higher- Laura Hackett

O Love That Will not Let me Go- Indelible Grace Music

Hallelujah- Ben Cantelon

Cornerstone- Hillsong

How Firm a Foundation!!!!!

God I look to You- Jesus Culture

All Sons and Daughters- Let it Shine

Phil Wickham- Beautiful & The Victory

Send Revival Start With Me

Jesus I Come- Indelible Grace 

If you ever need a new refreshing song, check one of these out! 

I'll be building on these verses in my next blog entries... so keep an eye out ;) This is where a lot of the hope and transformation came this semester. I'm excited to write more about how the community played a huge part in it too! 

Rach

term's over? say whaaaaat?

 reflect:  /rɪˈflɛkt/
verb:  (usually reflect on/upon) think deeply or carefully about

remember:  /rɪˈmɛmbə/
verb:  have in or be able to bring to one’s mind an awareness of (someone or something from the past)
ponder:  /ˈpɒndə/
verb- think about (something) carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion

three words that came to mind when i thought about this blog post. probably for a few reasons. first, it has been so long since i have written! second, i am home and in baltimore- so the only news you get of oxford will be me remembering and reflecting! third, i think taking time to remember is important. in my life, remembering has been a way for me to learn more about God, others, and myself. it's a way to  hold onto what God has done, things that have happened, and look at things in the bigger picture. 

so, here we go. 

i was thinking that over the next few days i would take different subjects or areas in which I have grown over this semester, share some stories. i kept a journal throughout the semester, so looking back will be refreshing. and it will save you from reading one really loooong blog post. in some ways, i think they will all connect- but you will be able to see little bits and pieces of the journey all come together to form a greater picture. i'm thinking of the process of fitting puzzle pieces together to see more of what the grand picture is going to look like, but the whole thing is not near complete. that is how i am picturing this time within the year i am in oxford. 

i'll start tonight light and easy... some of my favorite things i have learned to love in oxford:

1. drinking tea. all day. 

2. walking everywhere

3. eating some form of potato (usually chips) every day. kinda a love hate relationship

4. diversity: there are so many different cultures, ethnicities, areas of study, and types of people here! 

5. Ribena. 

6. lots of coffee shops to hang out at 

7. the style: everyone just wears whatever they want- no matter if it matches or not! 

8. having a community of people around who love to talk and discuss things

9. EATING CURRY

10. the chocolate is so much better here! 

11. the architecture and history here. 

12. kabobs. all day eery day.

12. pubs. the atmosphere & the mulled cider!

13. carol services- singing carols with mulled wine & minced pies! 

14. singing my words probably more than speaking them- thank you, jessie :) 

things I haven't liked:

1. always having my wycliffe card to get into all the buildings 

2. its freezing

3. wycliffe food 

4. almonds are so expensive and hard to find 

5. there is no chic-fil-a 

#firstworldproblems #iprobablycaretoomuchaboutfood 

there aren't many things i don't like! it's lovely here! 

stay posted for updates on what I have been learning and what God has taught me! 

peace, love & space cadets (that one's for you, jo)

Rach

snap crackle pop

Soo this title- let me give you the logic- I thought about how I have to write this so quickly- so then I thought- in a flash- then that sounded dumb- then I thought of snap- then it went to snap crackle pop. makes sense? maybs? This is the fastest blog update ever! I’m going to church in ten minutes! But I wanted to update… because my man JC has been on the move! Things have been happening here!!!!

Where to begin. Who knows. Ill just start typing.

Joy and restoration- two words that have really defined these past few weeks. A couple weekends ago we went to my friend Jessie’s farm in Somerset- dream. It was beautiful. but the best part- the Lord decided to work a miracle. He filled me with so much joy. And laughter. It was a breakthrough. The main things I learned- that if we enjoy something, God must enjoy it too. If he has created joy- he must have a pretty good sense of humor. It broke the lie that people cant see Christ in me when I am goofy- something I have been believing for a while. And to see that they can, has been so encouraging. I feel so affirmed in that. Also, that God enjoys our presence. That for the first time in a while, I actually felt like my presence was enjoyed- and I think it was deeply rooted in my walk with the Lord. Since tehn, I have been laughing so much!!! A lot of friends here have even said they have noticed transformation- and it truly is a miracle.

Classes- my brain is bustin with info!!! We are learning so much and it is such a privledge. We are continuing on spiritual disciplines, frequently asked questions, 1 corinthians, the rationality of the Christian faith, and have added classes on doctrine, science and religion, globalization and some others. It is a blessing. To be learning how rational Christianity is, and how it can be reasoned, and the confidence we can have in it- beyond our own personal experience has been great. constantly soaking in knowledge.

Friendships have continued to grow. Getting to know each person individually, undestanding what makes them tick has been great. I am so blessed by this group! And by all of the laughing we do!!!

I’ve started a Bible study- as my placement for the course- at the NOOC, where I live. We are going through a series called Uncover- a seeker Bible study that is popular with the Chrisitan Union (pretty much the UK’s InterVarsity) here. So far we have all believers coming, but I am praying for the group to expand and grow! But also so thankful for those that are here. God is teaching me that his Spirit is so powerful, so present, and that it is His convincing power that we rest on, and not something we have to conjure up or make ourselves.

I have started volunteering with the gatehouse- it is a organization that feeds the homeless on a daily basis! I have been going once a week. It has been such a pleasure, and place of joy and service. I really enjoy how transparent and uninhibited the homeless are, they show you all of themselves, and it is refreshing. You get to know what is really important to them, and what they believe- and to just be a friend to them while you can is a blessing. My favorite is a precious older man who comes and has the most gracious attitude and thinks he is a magician. Dreamboat.

To end with two verses that I have been praying through, and would love prayer for:

Ephesians 6:10 & 19

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power.”

“Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel….”

BOOM.

Peace, love & starbucks tea 

Rach

Ps- would love to hear from you all to know what is going on in your lives! I love emails! And mail :)

catch up.

ahhh! i can't believe it's been so long since i posted- and there is so much to say. where do i even begin?? things have been amazing- challenging and deeply refreshing. it would probably take me a few hours to write everything that i have done and been learning. so, until i get into a rhythm of how to update, i thought i could write down 10 things about school and community.

Academia!
1. Our classes are intense. They are wonderful. I have never learned this much, or worked this hard. so much reading, highlighting- and learning how to take notes! Our weeks alter between packed and lighter class schedules, which can be refreshing.
2. We are in a preaching workshop! it's thrilling. we are learning how to speak, give sermons, and deliver well. we have to tape ourselves, watch, and then figure out what to work on
3. We are in a New Testament class on 1 Corinthains- with 2 papers down, I know so much more than I ever thought I would about the Corinthian society!
4. We are in a class on frequent apologetic questions, one of my favorites, because we are uncovering frequent objections and questions raised about Christianity, and how to dialogue about them
5. Other classes include the rationality of the CHristian Faith, Critical Thinking, Globalization, 1 Peter, Spiritual Disciplines
6. Coffee shops are my jam. Many papers have been written and research occured in coffee shops- especially Java & Co!
7. My mind is being stretched in new ways- we are learning how to look at things critically, and not just descriptively- its a new kind of writing for me.
8. we have been learning a lot about our worldview- how we see the world and how it affects how we engage with others, fascinating.
9. some of our assignments involve going into town and asking questions to strangers- its thrilling! last week we had to ask 1) what are you major objections to the Christian Faith and 2) What would it take for you to become a Christian. i spoke with a new friend, Jason, who has a brilliant mind. it was quite an intriguing and good conversation.
10. we have started at our placements for the course- mine is at the NOOC (where I live) and i will be starting a Bible study here this coming week. we are going through the uncover series through UCCF. please keep it in your prayers!!!!


Community!
1. It's been a continual learning process to be in this community. We truly are a diverse group- come from so many different cultural and family backgrounds, and all have different gifts to offer.
2. One of our favorites is Stephen. He worked in the Hong Kong government for 34 years before coming to OCCA. He is brilliant, intelligent, and loves Jesus. Last week we realized that whenever he talks we all stand in awe haha everyone goes silent and just listens. its funny.
3. The women have started praying on fridays! That has been a great way to all be together at the same time- and to be intentional! We have breakfast, share Scripture, and pray for each other. last week they all surrounded me as I was feeling sick and just struggling with anxiety and my health. They so dearly lifted me up and encouraged me!
4. It's definitely different to be with the same people all the time- so different from my usual tendencies to be friends with many different groups.
5. Claire and I have become really close- we have breakfast and pray every tuesday. she is also my coffee shop pal- we adventure all over together.Tamara- she is wonderful as well. she has such a different heart for the Lord than some of my other friends- and its so refreshing. we have bonded over a love for spanish, singing hymns and worship, and coffee- essentials. we also love corrie ten boom and quotes- works out when you have someone who loves to encourage in the same way you love to give encouragement! Carmen is so full of life and such an encouragement! Jesse and I are always laughing with one another and like to turn conversation into songs. Hatun is so thoughful, has a really dry sense of humor, and so unique. i'm always learning. alycia is bold and yet so compassionate. so inviting.
6. I have not laughed this much in a long time. I am always laughing- and this community is one that has brought out so much joy in me!
7. we started our huddles this week. we are going to meet in our huddles every week, talk about what we are learning, things that are challenging and going well, etc. its supposed to be a sort of accountability group but also a place for raw honesty and deep change. my leader is Jo- she is one of the wives of the tutors. she is so intelligent, and has such a heart for the Lord. we connect so well!
8. I have committed to St. Aldate's church. I really enjoy the worship and the teaching. this week i signed up to help with childrens church! i have missed being with kids so much!
9. i'm hoping to get involved with a ministry that serves dinner to the homeless once a week here!
10. our community just has fun together. we drink lots of coffee, talk all the time, play games, watch movies, cook together, study together. major bonding.


:) just a recap!
look for a post soon on what God has been teaching me and how to be praying!!!!

victorious living.

Victorious living. do we know it? do we believe in it? i cannot generalize for all, but for me personally, it seems harder than being able to state and know in my mind, that I am living in victory because of Christ's victory on the cross.

As I have been in Oxford, it has been a hodgepodge of ups and downs. highs and lows. but i think that is part of life- learning to be in process. i have found much joy in the community and settings i have been surrounded by, have been able to laugh, and thank God for hand picking a community of very different individuals.  i have spent some mornings and evenings with joy bubbling over, and some crying out to God, with moments of pain, and deep anxiety. My heart has struggled to be at rest, to be content, and to be in process. I have asked many questions to God, and cried out for His voice and His peace.

there have been many days where i have felt on the brinks of defeat, or defeated within my mind or soul. and it is at those times when we need to choose to claim victory. it can be easy to lean towards despair, hopelessness, or fear, but they have not proved to be worthwhile or helpful companions. they actually do not deliver what they promise. so i have prayed, God how are you going to meet me here? how are you going to transform my mind and my heart to trust in your goodness? help my unbelief!

He has come through in many ways, and a main theme is ringing loud and clear: victory. i can claim victory because I am in Christ. that does not mean that the pain or suffering goes away, but it does mean that I have Jesus interceding for me, fighting for me, and with me every step of the way. With His grace i can choose hope, i can rest in peace, and I can receive a joy that does not perish, spoil, or fade.

A friend who has been such a blessing to me just lent me the book Amazing Love by Corrie Ten Boom. The Lord definitely had His hand in that, and just prompted her to give it to me. It has been a source of great refreshment, and from simple truths, helped me fix our eyes back on Christ. One of the quotes is this, "We are not only striving towards victory, but we are fighting from the stance of victory." Boom. Victory is ours. the battles will be waged, and we will fight, but the war has been won. our souls can rest assured of that.

In a devotional I read in the morning, called Joy and Strength, i found two more quotes about victory.

"Courage, it shall be well: we follow a conquering general; yea, who hath conquered already; and He that hath conquered for us shall ever conquer in us." Robert Leighton

"Hopefulness of victory is ours, if we only remember that we are fighting God's battles. And can He know defeat? He who is the God of the great world around us is the God of the little world within. It is He who is contending in thee; thou art but His soldier, guided by His wisdom, strengthened by His might, shielded by His love. Keep your will united to the love of God, and final defeat is impossible, for He is invincible!" - George Body

I could write on forever about the ways that those quotes encouraged me, but I hope the Holy Spirit uses them to encourage and strengthen your heart as well- in whatever area you feel you may be facing defeat. the enemy of our souls does not want us to remember victory, but fall into the easy muck of despair, keeping our eyes ever on our circumstances, and our abilities, instead of the strength and adequacy of our beautiful Savior. He is working in us, He is working through us, and He is invincible! As I am battling insecurity, anxiety, transition, etc it has been easy to stay focused on the moment, stay focused on the indadequacy, almost as if worry will fix the problem. It doesnt, and that can even be used to distract us from focusing our eyes and minds on the kingdom. Allow Christ to transform the foundation of your mind, your thoughts, and your battles to one of victory. 

God has also come through in community. through being transparent with some women in the group, i have been able to be lifted up in prayer, and from that, be so encouraged by the Word, which truly does sustain us. I have been very encouraged by Philippians 4:10- 13 and Matthew 11:28- 30. Victory is ours in plenty, and in want, and we can exchange our burdens for His rest and His strength. He keeps saying "I've got it, I've got you covered."

I am resting, praying, and thanking God that we do have a God who transforms us. that we can rest that He loves us too much to let us stay the same.  

take off

We'll we've started "classes." It's actually been a wonderful week of settling into the mission, goals, and culture of the community here at OCCA. We've gotten lots of community time. There are 28 of us in the program, 21 guys and 7 girls (can you say the opposite extreme of JMU ha). So far we've cooked together, walked to town together, gone to pubs together, and many things in between. We are each so different- and when I say that, I say it with 100% sincerity. There are so many different stories and personality traits here, so many ages, and different walks of life. And we have one thing in common: Jesus, and wanting to make His name greater. How unifying that can be!

It has been humbling and such a blessing to be surrounded by, what i consider, some of the greatest evangelists and apologists I have heard. to be training with and learning from individuals who i listened to on you- tube and read articles from is a beautiful gift. thank you God!!!

Our lectures thus far have introduced us to what we are getting into here at OCCA- and instead of being intensely overwhelming, it has actually been quite refreshing. Everything is centered on prayer. Everything is centered on the grace and love of Christ. During our first lecture, our senior tutor stated two main things 1) you dont deserve to be here and 2) you will not meet your expectations. He elaborated- that we don't deserve to be here, but God has called us here to give us a good gift. To take part in His grace. We don't have to earn the right to be here, we don't have to prove that we were good enough to get in, we are here because it is the plan God had since the beginning of time. refreshing, right? definitely lifts the pressure off. We are here, individually, and as a community, for such a time as this. I keep thinking of that line from Esther 4:12- we can trust that God has weaved together this course and this community, this group, for right now.

The next lecture we talked about expectations, specifically attitude and attendance. We discussed different characteristics and elements of attitude: humility, transparency, charity, loyalty, and worship. We broke up and talked in groups and talked about which we think would be the hardest for us, and prayed over it. it was amazing- literally getting together, confessing a part of weakness, and getting to lift it up to the God of the universe. we can't do this without Him- and this course understands that, knows that, and wants us to lean into Him and His strength. It isn't showing up for the first day, being intimidated, and saying toughen up and good luck. it's honesty, transparency, and being able to make all of this centered on the love and strength of Jesus.

it's been wonderful. I am praying for the sense of community to continue growing, for each of us to be part of a communal body, and for each of us to be challenged, stretched, and deeply loved. we all recently got our placements for the year- which is a 5hr/ week volunteer placement in the community focusing on apologetics and evangelism. we are all spread out. I was placed at the NOOC (where I live)  to do one on one conversation and evangelism with a book of the Bible. right up my alley. you can be praying for my time there, and for whoever I am placed with!!

I'll be keeping you updated.. and will probs write more later! :)

cheers!

well.. I'm here!!!!!! cant even believe it. it's real!!! 

here is some updates!!! i promise i will get more structured/ linear once i get some sleep in me and once i am adjusted! 

1. oxford is beautiful. i mean were talking beautiful. there are old buildings everything and almost everything around me is old style english. its amazing. i have never seen such beautiful buildings! and they are all spread about. 

2. my room is cozy.. aka suuuper tight. trying to make it my own. good thing i brought pictures! i got some card stock and markers today and i'm hoping to put verses on the walls...

3. i have met 2 of my hallmates. i cant pronouce any of their names. they are from asia/ the middle east. they only talked for like 30 secs! definitely different from freshman in college who want to talk to everybody all the time. i think this will be a lot of time to myself when i am here... but who knows hopefully i will meet some new friends soon. tonight i met daniel! from spain- and when i said i was from maryland he thought i said ireland.. so he thinks im irish. woops. he wants to talk theology soon. woo!

4. the place i am living is so rustic. all the furniture looks like the stuff you see in beach houses in bethany/ obx that people obviously dont care what is tehre.. is out of date? thats the only comparison i could think of... ha. the bathroom and shower are in two different rooms. i have a sink in my room.  oxford is really crammed for space.. everything is tight. 

5. they dont use rolls of toilet paper. its tissues that are in a box that you pull out. weird.

6. my boots that i bought wore through in one day.. womp. 

7. its good to be with my dad. he really wants to help and wants to make sure i have everything i need! we've discovered poundland (the equivalent of the dollar store- heck yes!!!) the bank and the phone company have been a whirlwind.. we've had to go back and forth so many times and we never have exactly what we need

8. to get places we have to walk. its about a 2 mile walk from where i live to the "city centre" picture the avenue times 100. its like a mall but outside. cars can drive on some roads and not others. the roads are cobbletsone. its really cool. they are so trendy here!!! no one wears work out clothes during the day.. i'm the odd man out!! ha. and lets just say i will be getting my legs in some serious shape! the closest grocery store is probably a mile... and shops for other supplies are further. but all the roads are intertwined and the schools for oxford and different colleges are all dispersed throughout the walk/ city centre. its breathtaking. also buses are the real deal here! lots and lots of bikers! looks like im turning into lance armstrong in these next 9 months...  

9. they love beer here. its funny. 

10. everyone says cheers all the time. when you are leaving a store, or after you pay for your food, or when you finish a conversation, they always say cheers. they say "jolly good" and "bloody good" they also use brilliant as a synonym for wonderful. its so funny! 

11. I LOVE THE ACCENTS. 

12. i'm overwhelmed. there is so much change going on in such a short amount of time and i dont even know what to do! im trying to take everything in...  i think i miss being comfortable somewhere.. the comfort of being with the fam and being home. but knowing that God is the God of comfort!!! 

13. my stomach has been ok, hurting at times. but i have been eating some bread!!!!! YEAH! i tried eating some lettuce...my stomach told me to stop going crazy.

14. i only slept an hour last night- hoping my body adjusts soon. you can pray for that :) 

15. you can be praying for my health, adjusting, and just keeping my eyes on the Lord. sometimes it is so easy to put our eyes back on our circumstances. on things that i need to do, and the pressure of performance. resting in Him! and trusting that He does equip us for every good work!! Romans 15:13 has been my jam. 

well thats 15 new things you didnt know!! ;) 

here's my address for all you writers... 

Rachel Wallick

Room 33

North Oxford Overseas Centre

117 Banbury Road

OX2 6JX

UK

:) cheers! 

the undercurrent.

ok so.. it's crunch time!! one week to go! it's WILD. my visa came in today... PTL. everything is ready!

so although there seems to be so much to write about, and so many things to fill in, there are just some moments and lessons i want to share. many things have happened...i have seen more doctors, i found out i am now really allergic to nuts (peanut butter may or may not be my favorite food.. don't worry about it) i have a visa, i have seen friends, i've babysat, went on a shopping spree, i have spent time with my family, i've gotten to paint, do crafts, and read read read.

through the undercurrent of it all.. i've been learning a lot. and it's about the personality of Jesus. it's about His love and not how I love Him. about His personality, and not some of the stereotypes or misunderstandings i've had. and it's come in quite a few ways.

it started with a letter. from a dear friend sharing some of the things she has been learning this summer.  she wrote about how she had been learning a new perspective of God's love. that we can be a reflection of God's love to others. that by knowing how much we are loved by God, we can see that our love comes from Him. fast forward a few days- i'm in starbucks with my aunt. it was a great time to just be honest and share our hearts and talk deep. talk about fears. talk about relationships. talk about Jesus. talk about how we can learn from each other. fast forward a few more days (stick with me here i'm almost done) and i' talking with a friend about God's love, and how I am learning more about it. how it is so hard for me to grasp it's unconditionality, His heart for us. that i'm starting to learn as i can be open and honest with others, and still be loved. but that it's also hard for me because i feel that if I don't "do" (meaning pray a lot, be in the Word, ie disciplines) that God won't know that i love Him. i didnt link that together until that conversation.

then, she framed it in such a way that i am still amazed. she asked me how long it had been since i had a coffee date with my aunt. i said probably a few weeks...and then she asked me, did you doubt that anne wanted to have coffee with you? did you doubt your relationship going into it because it had been a few weeks? or did you doubt that anne knew that she meant a lot to you or that you loved her even though it had been a few weeks? i answered no very quickly with a laugh. and then she said... well if that is how it can be with a family member, a human, who is only able to show a fragment of love that God has for you, how much more do you think He has that capability? if God has given us the ability to love each other that way, and that much, isn't that also one of His qualities?  i was speechless. i never considered connecting those things to God, but they are from Him! and He loves perfectly. it doesnt matter if it's been a while, God knows us, knows our hearts, and loves us. i've been trying to soak that in for the past few... it's pretty freeing to come to understand more and more about God's love.

the third way it's come is through the book Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge. please read it!!!!! it is all about Jesus, and His personality. it shows you His heart. he also does a great job of calling religion for what it is, spotting out misunderstandings, and letting us get to know the true personality and character of Jesus. it's been such a great book and is actually allowing me to see that Jesus was awesome!! He does have a sense of humor, he is intentional, he really does know how to love, and was so human. He can totally relate to us. we just have to be able to see it. and trust it. i really really recommend it. it's been one of the most transforming books i've read, and a favorite for sure. and you don't have to know a ton about God, the Bible, or Jesus to read it. are you just curious? do you want to learn more about His personality? i am benefitting from it more than i expected. it's been great.

the last thought i will leave you with, is another thought from a friend. she reminded me that when Jesus died, He died with no guarantees. He did not die because He knew He would be loved in return, He died because He loved. He did it anyway. His love is really that big.

I'm praying that for readers, and friends, and just people in my life. that we can have our eyes open to how big God's love really is. we don't need to and can't fit it in a box. and He wants to show us His love and continue to open our hearts and eyes so that in the undercurrents of life, He can keep showing up and keep loving us, and keep transforming us.

pocket of sunshine

when i looked at my blog today it was hard to believe it's been over a month that i wrote last!

well... to give an England update- i have a place to live, I have my plane ticket, all my paperwork is in... we're counting down the days!!! it's wild. God has been a sure provider in getting me ready for this trip and equipping me not only spiritually, but mentally as well.. to learn, to fight battles, and to trust. i say all that almost in reflection mode.. as it's been tough. but within the past two weeks He has graced me with a peace that I could not be more grateful for... and has never felt more genuine. so thankful. 

so lets just say this summer has been tough. in almost all areas. especially my health. it's been one where standards i may have set and a "great walk with the Lord" have been challenged, and restructured. i think i'm learning more about grace than i knew. 

i've been really asking for a little glimpse of how He is going to use these battles... 

so monday I'm in the grocery store (ya know casually doing grocery shopping for the fam.. playing mom) weighing my cucumbers.. when this older gentleman walks by me and burps. ok i cant hold it in when someone burps in the most random public place.. so i laugh. he walks by again and says sorry. and i said haha i appreciate someone who is bold enough to burp. and then he explains to me that it is from this medicine he is taking... and so it begins. we are having all the same health problems. from stomach issues to a long list.. we talk about it. (which when i think about it i'm like okay weird that i'm bearing my soul and problems to a 55 year old stranger..) anyways, he starts asking me about what i am doing next year- so i explain. with no idea what apologetics is.. i start unpacking it more. and He asks how the whole "Jesus thing" is important to me and will help with social work. so i get to explain my heart about that a little bit more. and that I am excited to learn more about other views and the truth of Christianity to help me love others well. then he says he was talking to someone and they suggested going to God with everything (his health, drug use, etc) and he said "I know there isn't a God, i just do. trust me."

and to that... i said. well i believe differently. i know there is a God, and He has changed my life. he asks how.. so I give him an abbreviated testimony. then he says that the church is for nuts anyway so it's good that i'm there (insult or compliment.. not sure ha) he goes on to explain his distorted view of the church, and i just simply said its a group of imperfect people all pursuing a relationship with a perfect God who loves us more than we know. 

change the subject... random talk again. and as we finally introduce ourselves, i tell him i will be praying for him. and he says, dont bother... i would rather you pray for someone that God actually wanted to hear about.. someone that He would want to help. and i asked him why he thought that. He said that he made fun of God for so many years, and is at a point where if God is really real.. would He please show up. that he is sorry. woaaaaahhhh baby. it's interesting how a firm belief that there is no God could be a mask of a greater pain.. and of greater questions. of not feeling worthy or loved. 

so gospel time. got to share with him briefly why we can talk to God whenever, and how he wants to hear our prayers. he loves us and wants to have a relationship with him. about Jesus and what He did. and about how He cares for this man. He was quiet.. and said he would have to take my word for it. 

He ended with "well i'm glad i burped out loud." 

wow. what a convo starting from a burp. God is soooo good and so gracious! He can weave things and plan conversations in the middle of the produce department!!! He is wild. 

then.. just for icing on the cake. i have been praying for a backpack to travel europe with because i cant afford it. today i was walking back from the elementary school with a neighbor i have just started getting to know. was telling her about the adventures. and she goes, well my son backpacked through rome last year would you like to borrow his backpack??? 

boooom. 

what a pocket of sunshine. what a way to show me He is listening, He cares, and He never stops loving us or using us amidst our trials. 

am·bas·sa·dor (n.)

am·bas·sa·dor (n.)

   [am-bas-uh-der, -dawr] 

1. a diplomatic official serving as permanent head of country's mission to the United Nations or some other international organization.

2. an authorized messenger or representative.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about the word ambassador. When I looked it up in the dictionary, these are two of the definitions that I think apply to what has been so impressed on my heart and mind. An ambassador is a representative, an ambassador is someone who is chosen,  has authority, and is capable of bringing news or important information to the places it needs to go. Usually, an ambassador is a representative that goes to a place where the information is unknown, so as to teach or instruct those that will be on the receiving end.

As we look into Scripture, two passages contain the word ambassador in the context of ministry 2 Corinthians 5:20, and Ephesians 6:20. I’ll focus on one, and will provide it in context, so we can get a better picture of the author’s intent.

2 Corinthians 5:14-20 14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.

Wow. What a lead up to an awesome verse. We do not regard anyone from a worldly point of view. We are new creations. The old is gone the new is come. And this is from God, because we are reconciled to him. Because we have been reconciled, because we have been brought to Him and have the Holy Spirit living in us, we are an AMBASSADOR. God has made it very clear throughout history that He wants to have a relationship with us, and that He wants us to know His character. He allowed the Israelites to worship Him and understand Him through the Law, the Holy of Holies, the Ark of the Covenant, and the prophets. He sent Jesus to the world to demonstrate and reflect His love for us, paying the ultimate price for Him to be with us. Therefore, to use the words of Paul, he made His appeal to us through those actions. Now, it is as if God were making His appeal through us. Doesn’t that excite you? doesn’t that give you a sense of purpose? Doesn’t that give you a sense of honor? We have been reconciled. God has committed us to the ministry of reconciliation, making us ambassadors. We can know Jesus, and know God, through the Scripture. We have God living in our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Therefore, we have all the “information” needed to represent God to the world. He has chosen us to represent and reflect His character to the world. He is constantly sanctifying us (2 Corinthians 3:16-18) to become more like Christ and better reflect Him.

Whenever I think of the word ambassador, I immediately think of JMU. There is an organization called Student Ambassadors, and it was full of some of the most school spirited JMU-ers I have known. Their responsibilities included tours, functions, and maintaining relationships with alumni. When prospective students, unfamiliar to the campus and lifestyle would come to JMU, they would schedule a tour, which the Ambassadors would lead them through. (I assume this is similar to many colleges, but thought the explanation would be helpful just incase). Through the ambassadors, the students would learn all about the campus, the layout, the customs, what each building meant, funny jokes and “JMU-isms,” in an attempt to show the beauty, wonder, and unique privileges and opportunity our campus had to offer.

Now, to dissect this a little further. The ambassadors could not take people on tours if they did not know the campus. Not just anyone could lead a tour through campus, explaining the history, details, and information about the campus. They had to learn, and they had to be trained. However, once they were authorized (hint hint), they were able to confidently teach and guide others. It would be as if the president of the university was leading each family through the tour (a little stretch, but hopefully you understand the point). The ambassadors were in charge and responsible for making JMU look appealing, and representing the information needed to each student and family.

A great thing about our SA was their enthusiasm. Each tour was market with a ton of purple and yellow, excitement, cheers, and attempts to engage other JMU students on the tour. They were passionate about JMU, and had such enthusiasm that they wanted to spread the word and show these students what they could have, and why JMU was the best school for them to choose. It was very obvious that they LOVED JMU.

Now, to keep with the analogy. That is our job! As Christians, we have been authorized to represent Christ, to tell the world about what a great Love and opportunity they are missing. We have the opportunity and ability to talk to the world, our “prospective students” about the beauty, excitement, and intrigue that our Savior, Jesus Christ, has to offer. We have the information and ability to do this- we know what we are talking about! We also need to pray for the passion. We need the enthusiasm, passion, and excitement that JMU student ambassadors have for their campus, our energy needs to be directed to representing Christ! Tell them what is up!!

I love the word usage “making His appeal through us.” That both the church, other believers, and myself can be used by God to reflect Him and allow others to know the beauty, grace, and joy that we have received is unfathomable. He wants to use us. He wants to make Himself known. He is choosing to use us.

I think this can redefine our interactions if we allow ourselves to be open to it. I think of some of the relationships and friendships God has placed into my life, especially those that are not believers. We have the ability to represent Christ to those people, because we have the Holy Spirit so alive within us. I think that could change our conversations ,what we choose to say, how we interact, and the love that we can give.

Ambassador. It’s another quality and characteristic of something I have gained because I am in Christ. Awesome. 

when God shows up.

so this post is going to be short & sweet. it's all about yesterday and how God knows my heart, and just what to do to encourage me... and hoping this encourages you too.
yesterday i was able to get coffee with a dear friend before church. we were talking about life, the future, and next steps. i was sharing about new updates for Oxford, which i was so delighted to talk about. in the car on the way to church, however, doubts began to fly. why are you going? what are you doing? and the seemingly never ending questions that i never seem to invite into my mind. so as i was in church, i just began to pray. God, i am humbled, and i know i come to you with doubts and fears, and you have answered me so many times.. but here i am again. please hear me & give me faith.
He answered. the rest of the service was filled with a confidence in Him and what He is doing.

and then he went overboard. our family went out to lunch after church, and we ran into two of my old younglife leaders. they asked about my next steps, and as i talked about it, my old excitement and enthusiasm, as well as confidence about God's hand in this, became more evident.
then he says, "Rach, this is awesome and i am so excited for you. we're getting some new things going at our church, and we don't have all the energy and time to do a ton of research, and we are going to need the expertise you are going to be learning. are you going to have a blog?" Ha, yes. oh yes. I told him about how I am hoping to update it and share what i am learning. Then he said, "Rach, would you be able to come to our church one Sunday, and tell us what you are doing next year? Especially so we can be praying for you?"

ARE YOU KIDDING?!

Bam. what a blessing, and what a surprise. first, it was amazing because God revealed to me that not everything is only for me or about me. I have no idea how God is going to use my time there, what i am going to learn, or how He will be able to bless others through this journey. it got my eyes back on Him. and how great to know that I will have a church body praying over me throughout the trip. and this happens on the day when doubts seem to be the loudest.

it does seem that God knows how to come unexpectedly, and fill our hearts and minds with joy and confidence in Him.

lyrics that lead to lightbulbs.

Well.. it's been a while since I've written last. My days have been filled with kids, kids, aaand more kids! Watching my brother, my cousins, neighbors, and the most precious and adorable 3 year old twins. They have stolen my heart, a little. well, maybe more than a little. It has been awesome to find so much joy in what I am doing- being with kids. being creative, playing games, and enjoying life.

I've been able to take pictures, read, and write. Learning that those are three things that I absolutely love to do. Spending time with friends has been great. I've found myself really missing my JMU community. It's weird to go cold turkey. I'm thankful for phone dates and pen pals ;)

Anyways, more about that later. What I wanted to write about tonight kind of pours deep into my heart. And some might find it boring, some too flowery, some too vulnerable, but I'm deciding to take that risk. As much as I have thought about this subject for the past week, I just knew I had to write about it. So, here you go. If it encourages you, and leads you more to ask and want to know Christ, that is my only aim. Showing my heart just seems to be the avenue to that, at times.... such as now.

If you have questions, or wonder about why I can say the truths or claims that I do, please let me know. I didnt really incorporate much Scripture for what I was writing.. but it's there. so feel free to ask.

and ps- it may be the length of a novel. yikes.

I have been thinking about a line from a song “there’s always scars when you fall that far.” It’s from a Christian band, and it’s such an old school song- I loved it in middle school. Word up bring back the 90’s. But in all seriousness, I thought that was a very valid and truth telling line. The song is about how we lose our way, but we get back up. It’s not too late to get back up and run to Jesus. Never. His love is always there- always calling. He is always waiting for us. And I think sometimes as Christians, (I might be making an generalized statement here but I know it applies to me) that we expect ourselves to get better at being a Christian, or need Christ less, or not be hurt as much, or just have to be better. And granted, the more we know Christ, the more we know about God, and the more we understand His promises we can grow in our capability to have peace and life, we are not in charge of our peace. We are not the one who can free ourselves from our pain. That’s His job, and He WANTS to!!! Why do we even want to rob him of that? Anyways, back to the song (I can tend to get on tangents), there are always scars when you fall that FAR. Do we forget how far we fell? Do we try and make light of our scars, because we think we should be better? In Galatians 3, Paul talks about how the Holy Spirit was the one who strengthened and gave them faith to believe when they first believed, why do we now think that the relationship is in our strength to maintain?!

When we fell, we fell hard. We went from absolute perfection, to devastation, sin and wrath. We went to being in community and unity with God, to wanting to run from him and do things on our own. Can we do that? No. and our sin, plus the sin in the world, causes us pain. Real pain. In relationships, in the world, in the way we relate to God, and in the way we believe in WHO HE IS and what he REALLY wants for us.

In my opinion, in my 21 years of life, I have seen pain. I have known heartache. And I know that everyone else on this planet has as well. Is it the same? No. Do the same burdens that I bear fall the same onto others? No. Have others suffered more? Yes. Have others suffered less? Yes. I don’t think that anyone would deny the fact that there is evil; that there is pain, and that there is heartache. And the question where did evil come from, and why does God allow it is another question for another day.

But do we understand about the effects of that pain? Do we understand that scars will happen? That scars are OKAY? That Jesus knows we have scars? That scars do not surprise him? He is not surprised by the ways we try to heal our wounds? So insufficiently? And I have tried to hide my scars. I have tried to act like I am above them. I have acted like I should have not allowed myself to form them, therefore withdrawing my heart from the most furious, overpowering, everlasting, love that my soul could ever know. At times I admit I am scared to show my scars to Christ, the One who bore the greatest scars for my life. For my heart. For my scars to be mended, for there to actually be something that can take my wounds to scars, to flesh. Christ also had scars from the pain of this world, from the greatest wound, and the greatest pain to bear, the cross. Yet his scars stand for triumph! The world, the pain, death, could not overcome him. They were not too powerful for him. Can our scars not stand for victory then as well? Can our scars not tell the story of the Cross? Does His victory not reign in our hearts, in our souls? Can we not hold onto, so deeply, and truly, Him who does not know too great a wound for His touch? If He lives in us, and He does, He LIVES, then our scars no longer have to stand for our pain. They do not have to stamp us with a mark of sin. They do not have to bring the shame of the dark shadows; they can instead become a beacon of light. They can become an immoveable, and irreplaceable way for our lives to bring glory to His name. That is what we are here for, anyways, isn’t it?

In my pride, in my heart, in my mind, I can fight His love, I can reject victory, because my scars still hold a power over me. sometimes when I think of the places of pain, when I see the things I run to instead of Christ, when I remember the places I went to search for love. As if I think I am better than that. As if I think Christ is ashamed of me, or disappointed in me because of the places I have run. And so, in my pride, I think that I am not worthy of love, and I do not let my scars become a place for healing. I do not let them tell of a story of rescue. But that is my prayer, my plea, and my desire. Let my scars, let my pain, and let my life tell of the greatest rescue of all. Not only of the rescue of the world, but of the rescue of my soul. The rescue of a soul thirsting for love, which found it in the place she thought could never fill it. In Christ. Christ is always loving, always receiving, always rejoicing over us.

Yes, we are going to have scars. Because we fell deeper than just heartache and pain. We fell from life to death. We fell from light into darkness. Yet this world does not recognize it. it does not even see some of our true, deeper, scars as simple paper cuts at times. But it is in the places where we go for healing, it is in the mirror of Christ’s love and presence that we see how far we fell. Because we see how far we are from Him, from perfection. But we can rejoice that he has bridged the gap. There are always scars when we fall that far. We will run to places that are not God. We will put things before Him, and we will not believe He is the answer at times in our stubbornness. But He is not surprised. He knows the cause, the effects, and how to heal our scars. He wants to use them, and He is calling.

When I heard this song in the car last week on the way to the grocery store, I knew it was Christ. I knew he was calling. And I heard a still small voice in the depths of my heart saying, do you believe that I am healer? Do you believe I am Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals you? I promise that is my name. I promise that is my character. I have led you, healed you, and will never stop. I know your scars, and let me be the one who makes them beautiful. 

if you read this... YOU'RE A TROOPER!

bring me back.

So since graduation... I've been on so many wonderful adventures. My house went to Corolla, NC to stay with Whitney and her family- at the Sound Escape!!! (name of her house). it was such a great time to hang, get totally sunburned (being the ginger of the group), and relax. all of us had books we were reading, and it was a time to just eat lots of GREAT food, drink delicious wine, and enjoy being with one another. then i went to Yorktown, VA to stay with Sarah Powell (one of my absolute besties) and her fam for the weekend. we've realized that one of our favorite things is just living life with one another- whether doing errands, running, reading, trying new wine, or being grandmas and going to bed at 10- don't judge. then it was back to good old baltimore- where i've just been hangin with the fam and the neighbors. have i unpacked? not for a second. oops..

This is a picture of the Brick House! All except Egan who is painting and enjoying the French lifestyle in France for 3 weeks- no big! 

                               This is the sunset from Whitney's backyard! hellloooooo beautiful!

what else have i been up to? reading the hunger games!!! they are so good. i've purposely brought them up in conversation every day for the past week. if you haven't read them- READ them. worth it. promise.

I've gotten really into cooking- I've been doing all the grocery shopping, finding recipes, and trying new things out for the fam (whether they are lucky or just bearing with me is still to be decided haha). It's been so fun. Last night my brother and I got to make homemade pizza and a strawberry nutella dessert. see my page "Snacks N' Such" for some of the recipes!

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On a more serious note. I've been reminded of some pretty great truths about our walks with God since graduation- the reason for the title "bring me back." it's all about remembering- it's so important. It's remembering God's character- WHO He is. He is soverign, He is good,  He did come to rescue us, He is Creator, He is our encourager.. and He is on our side. It's about remembering what Jesus did on the cross- claiming it each day. It's about remembering what He has done in our lives- and it's remembering why we are here- to know Him and glorify Him.

Where did this come from? two things.

One. sitting on the boat docks in Yorktown. probably one of my favorite spots- on a dock, by the water, in the sun. boom. sarah and i went one morning to just spend some time with JC- and although we read two different things, we both were thinking through the same thing- it's about remembering.

That morning I read Psalm 143 and it really reminded me of the ability to be honest with the Lord, but also how remembering can change our perspective- and take our eyes off of our circumstances and ourselves.

How does the Psalm start? With David crying out for mercy, asking God to listen to him. He says he is losing hope, and paralyzed with fear. Do you ever feel that way? I definitely do. Okay so, we can relate. Then in verse 5, something changes- He remembers the days of old, he ponders God's works, and thinks about what He has done. That requires something of us- that requires actively remembering. Then, David calls on God to come and answer him, rescue him, but his voice turns into confident trust, into asking God to help him with confidence, and He begins to claim true characteristics of God.

I think he was onto something. When I have a situation where I don't think God is going to turn up, or I am forgetting that God is good, to sit back and remember His faithfulness or what He has done on a big scale and a small scale, it reminds me that He is for me. On those days when things might seem overwhelming- just remember. It helps. Spend some time in this Psalm- and claim with confidence that God is for you.


As Sarah and I both are in new circumstances, graduated, and getting ready to do big things where almost everything seems uncertain, it's been easy to be fearful. It's been easy to think I need to be a certain way before I can go to Oxford.. it's easy to think that dealing with anxiety will rule me forever. But when we actively sat and remembered how God had helped in college.. our hearts were restored.



The second thing that brought me to remembering purpose was at my cousin Michael's 13th bday party. All the men in his life came together and gave him a really great gift. They each wrote him a letter about good qualities that they saw in him, how God has worked, and advice for the future. It was awesome- and such a testament to the body of Christ. building one another up and encouraging them. One of the letters had a quote that Michael really liked "Aim to be different." boom. if we are sold out and following Jesus- we are going to be different. it was a challenge to me to not only accept it, but aim for it. strive for it. what if we were the people who believed enough in God's power and who He is that we wanted to live differently. we were willing to be a little different. to love differently. just a thought.


So this is literally a novel...guess that's what you get when your a verbal processor ;)