lyrics that lead to lightbulbs.

Well.. it's been a while since I've written last. My days have been filled with kids, kids, aaand more kids! Watching my brother, my cousins, neighbors, and the most precious and adorable 3 year old twins. They have stolen my heart, a little. well, maybe more than a little. It has been awesome to find so much joy in what I am doing- being with kids. being creative, playing games, and enjoying life.

I've been able to take pictures, read, and write. Learning that those are three things that I absolutely love to do. Spending time with friends has been great. I've found myself really missing my JMU community. It's weird to go cold turkey. I'm thankful for phone dates and pen pals ;)

Anyways, more about that later. What I wanted to write about tonight kind of pours deep into my heart. And some might find it boring, some too flowery, some too vulnerable, but I'm deciding to take that risk. As much as I have thought about this subject for the past week, I just knew I had to write about it. So, here you go. If it encourages you, and leads you more to ask and want to know Christ, that is my only aim. Showing my heart just seems to be the avenue to that, at times.... such as now.

If you have questions, or wonder about why I can say the truths or claims that I do, please let me know. I didnt really incorporate much Scripture for what I was writing.. but it's there. so feel free to ask.

and ps- it may be the length of a novel. yikes.

I have been thinking about a line from a song “there’s always scars when you fall that far.” It’s from a Christian band, and it’s such an old school song- I loved it in middle school. Word up bring back the 90’s. But in all seriousness, I thought that was a very valid and truth telling line. The song is about how we lose our way, but we get back up. It’s not too late to get back up and run to Jesus. Never. His love is always there- always calling. He is always waiting for us. And I think sometimes as Christians, (I might be making an generalized statement here but I know it applies to me) that we expect ourselves to get better at being a Christian, or need Christ less, or not be hurt as much, or just have to be better. And granted, the more we know Christ, the more we know about God, and the more we understand His promises we can grow in our capability to have peace and life, we are not in charge of our peace. We are not the one who can free ourselves from our pain. That’s His job, and He WANTS to!!! Why do we even want to rob him of that? Anyways, back to the song (I can tend to get on tangents), there are always scars when you fall that FAR. Do we forget how far we fell? Do we try and make light of our scars, because we think we should be better? In Galatians 3, Paul talks about how the Holy Spirit was the one who strengthened and gave them faith to believe when they first believed, why do we now think that the relationship is in our strength to maintain?!

When we fell, we fell hard. We went from absolute perfection, to devastation, sin and wrath. We went to being in community and unity with God, to wanting to run from him and do things on our own. Can we do that? No. and our sin, plus the sin in the world, causes us pain. Real pain. In relationships, in the world, in the way we relate to God, and in the way we believe in WHO HE IS and what he REALLY wants for us.

In my opinion, in my 21 years of life, I have seen pain. I have known heartache. And I know that everyone else on this planet has as well. Is it the same? No. Do the same burdens that I bear fall the same onto others? No. Have others suffered more? Yes. Have others suffered less? Yes. I don’t think that anyone would deny the fact that there is evil; that there is pain, and that there is heartache. And the question where did evil come from, and why does God allow it is another question for another day.

But do we understand about the effects of that pain? Do we understand that scars will happen? That scars are OKAY? That Jesus knows we have scars? That scars do not surprise him? He is not surprised by the ways we try to heal our wounds? So insufficiently? And I have tried to hide my scars. I have tried to act like I am above them. I have acted like I should have not allowed myself to form them, therefore withdrawing my heart from the most furious, overpowering, everlasting, love that my soul could ever know. At times I admit I am scared to show my scars to Christ, the One who bore the greatest scars for my life. For my heart. For my scars to be mended, for there to actually be something that can take my wounds to scars, to flesh. Christ also had scars from the pain of this world, from the greatest wound, and the greatest pain to bear, the cross. Yet his scars stand for triumph! The world, the pain, death, could not overcome him. They were not too powerful for him. Can our scars not stand for victory then as well? Can our scars not tell the story of the Cross? Does His victory not reign in our hearts, in our souls? Can we not hold onto, so deeply, and truly, Him who does not know too great a wound for His touch? If He lives in us, and He does, He LIVES, then our scars no longer have to stand for our pain. They do not have to stamp us with a mark of sin. They do not have to bring the shame of the dark shadows; they can instead become a beacon of light. They can become an immoveable, and irreplaceable way for our lives to bring glory to His name. That is what we are here for, anyways, isn’t it?

In my pride, in my heart, in my mind, I can fight His love, I can reject victory, because my scars still hold a power over me. sometimes when I think of the places of pain, when I see the things I run to instead of Christ, when I remember the places I went to search for love. As if I think I am better than that. As if I think Christ is ashamed of me, or disappointed in me because of the places I have run. And so, in my pride, I think that I am not worthy of love, and I do not let my scars become a place for healing. I do not let them tell of a story of rescue. But that is my prayer, my plea, and my desire. Let my scars, let my pain, and let my life tell of the greatest rescue of all. Not only of the rescue of the world, but of the rescue of my soul. The rescue of a soul thirsting for love, which found it in the place she thought could never fill it. In Christ. Christ is always loving, always receiving, always rejoicing over us.

Yes, we are going to have scars. Because we fell deeper than just heartache and pain. We fell from life to death. We fell from light into darkness. Yet this world does not recognize it. it does not even see some of our true, deeper, scars as simple paper cuts at times. But it is in the places where we go for healing, it is in the mirror of Christ’s love and presence that we see how far we fell. Because we see how far we are from Him, from perfection. But we can rejoice that he has bridged the gap. There are always scars when we fall that far. We will run to places that are not God. We will put things before Him, and we will not believe He is the answer at times in our stubbornness. But He is not surprised. He knows the cause, the effects, and how to heal our scars. He wants to use them, and He is calling.

When I heard this song in the car last week on the way to the grocery store, I knew it was Christ. I knew he was calling. And I heard a still small voice in the depths of my heart saying, do you believe that I am healer? Do you believe I am Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals you? I promise that is my name. I promise that is my character. I have led you, healed you, and will never stop. I know your scars, and let me be the one who makes them beautiful. 

if you read this... YOU'RE A TROOPER!

bring me back.

So since graduation... I've been on so many wonderful adventures. My house went to Corolla, NC to stay with Whitney and her family- at the Sound Escape!!! (name of her house). it was such a great time to hang, get totally sunburned (being the ginger of the group), and relax. all of us had books we were reading, and it was a time to just eat lots of GREAT food, drink delicious wine, and enjoy being with one another. then i went to Yorktown, VA to stay with Sarah Powell (one of my absolute besties) and her fam for the weekend. we've realized that one of our favorite things is just living life with one another- whether doing errands, running, reading, trying new wine, or being grandmas and going to bed at 10- don't judge. then it was back to good old baltimore- where i've just been hangin with the fam and the neighbors. have i unpacked? not for a second. oops..

This is a picture of the Brick House! All except Egan who is painting and enjoying the French lifestyle in France for 3 weeks- no big! 

                               This is the sunset from Whitney's backyard! hellloooooo beautiful!

what else have i been up to? reading the hunger games!!! they are so good. i've purposely brought them up in conversation every day for the past week. if you haven't read them- READ them. worth it. promise.

I've gotten really into cooking- I've been doing all the grocery shopping, finding recipes, and trying new things out for the fam (whether they are lucky or just bearing with me is still to be decided haha). It's been so fun. Last night my brother and I got to make homemade pizza and a strawberry nutella dessert. see my page "Snacks N' Such" for some of the recipes!

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On a more serious note. I've been reminded of some pretty great truths about our walks with God since graduation- the reason for the title "bring me back." it's all about remembering- it's so important. It's remembering God's character- WHO He is. He is soverign, He is good,  He did come to rescue us, He is Creator, He is our encourager.. and He is on our side. It's about remembering what Jesus did on the cross- claiming it each day. It's about remembering what He has done in our lives- and it's remembering why we are here- to know Him and glorify Him.

Where did this come from? two things.

One. sitting on the boat docks in Yorktown. probably one of my favorite spots- on a dock, by the water, in the sun. boom. sarah and i went one morning to just spend some time with JC- and although we read two different things, we both were thinking through the same thing- it's about remembering.

That morning I read Psalm 143 and it really reminded me of the ability to be honest with the Lord, but also how remembering can change our perspective- and take our eyes off of our circumstances and ourselves.

How does the Psalm start? With David crying out for mercy, asking God to listen to him. He says he is losing hope, and paralyzed with fear. Do you ever feel that way? I definitely do. Okay so, we can relate. Then in verse 5, something changes- He remembers the days of old, he ponders God's works, and thinks about what He has done. That requires something of us- that requires actively remembering. Then, David calls on God to come and answer him, rescue him, but his voice turns into confident trust, into asking God to help him with confidence, and He begins to claim true characteristics of God.

I think he was onto something. When I have a situation where I don't think God is going to turn up, or I am forgetting that God is good, to sit back and remember His faithfulness or what He has done on a big scale and a small scale, it reminds me that He is for me. On those days when things might seem overwhelming- just remember. It helps. Spend some time in this Psalm- and claim with confidence that God is for you.


As Sarah and I both are in new circumstances, graduated, and getting ready to do big things where almost everything seems uncertain, it's been easy to be fearful. It's been easy to think I need to be a certain way before I can go to Oxford.. it's easy to think that dealing with anxiety will rule me forever. But when we actively sat and remembered how God had helped in college.. our hearts were restored.



The second thing that brought me to remembering purpose was at my cousin Michael's 13th bday party. All the men in his life came together and gave him a really great gift. They each wrote him a letter about good qualities that they saw in him, how God has worked, and advice for the future. It was awesome- and such a testament to the body of Christ. building one another up and encouraging them. One of the letters had a quote that Michael really liked "Aim to be different." boom. if we are sold out and following Jesus- we are going to be different. it was a challenge to me to not only accept it, but aim for it. strive for it. what if we were the people who believed enough in God's power and who He is that we wanted to live differently. we were willing to be a little different. to love differently. just a thought.


So this is literally a novel...guess that's what you get when your a verbal processor ;)

untitled.

This post is purposely called untitled. there isn't really words to describe this time. i'm graduating from college. tomorrow.tomorrow. are you kidding. it's here.  it's wild. 


i dont think it's really hit me yet- and probably won't for a while. it's been a lot of joy and sadness though- lots of goodbye's and lots of "lasts." it's a strange time when you know that you won't see people again, or for a long time, and they are people who have walked with you for the past four years. it's an exciting time ahead.. because although we've graduated college, there is hopefully lots of life and adventures ahead of us- we still have a lot to learn and see. 


it's a time of reflection too. i met with lisa, the woman who disciples me for the last time this morning. it was a time of reflection and seeing what God has done in the past year- and it's been tons. so much growth, freedom, and life has come from getting to know Him and the things he has brought into my life.    it's awesome. the process of sanctification- and it's a process for sure- comes with so many things. it comes with knowledge, pursuit, pain, joy, freedom, trust- and all of these things come from Him so we can be transformed by Him into his likeness. 


there have been a couple quotes this week by JI Packer that have really been encouraging and made me think a lot.. so i'll share. They are from his book "Knowing God"

“God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives. Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day. The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away. To live with your ‘thorn’ uncomplainingly — that is, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak — is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit. It is a supreme victory of grace.” - JI Packer

“Wait on the Lord" is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God often keeps us waiting. He is not in such a hurry as we are, and it is not his way to give more light on the future than we need for action in the present, or to guide us more than one step at a time. When in doubt, do nothing, but continue to wait on God. When action is needed, light will come.”  - JI Packer


"There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion Him about me, in the way that I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me." - JI Packer 

I have so many thoughts about these quotes- I could write about it for a while. but they bring us back to His grace, His love, His plan. they bring us back to the core of who we are and why we are here- for Him. that is so easily forgotten, especailly during this time of figuring out what the heck we are going to do with our lives. it's about a process of sanctification- and He uses everything. everything. 

I hope that you can trust in the truth that is behind these quotes, and take some time to understand them- because Packer uncovers a lot of the beauty about our God. 

a voice.

Tonight I went to an Audrey Assad and JJ Heller concert. a super wonderful friend Annie Lawrence opened for them! She has just blossomed in her music career within the last year. She now writes her own music, has an album, and is opening for artists! Wild. Her story is one of redemption. It’s one of beauty. From knowing so much of her heart, and her past, and to see how God has transformed her fears into confidence, and taken the things that brought true pain and brought beauty is a wonder. It’s a true story of redemption. Her album is called Light is Stronger than Darkness- buy it on iTunes!! It’s a story of how being human and having struggles and joy meets the beauty and love of Jesus- it’s real and true and a story of hope.

http://www.annielawrencemusic.com/ --- CHECK IT OUT! 

Anyways, today made me think a lot about our voice. What we are passionate about. What we stand for. What we believe. What we say, what we sing, what we write, what we do. How we express it- and it takes the rist of willing to express what we think and what we feel. It takes strength to believe that it’s okay not to be accepted. It means taking the risk of not being perfect.

Why is that so much easier for some than others? I’ve realized how much perfectionism robs you of creativity, of joy, and of expressing yourself. And anxiety tied in with that- it’s almost robbed me of things that God has given me. why can risk be so hard? why do we praise perfection, when we can find so much rest and so much peace in seeing that others are human? Seeing that others are okay with accepting grace, with making mistakes, and extending grace allows us to breathe easy- but we are the last to extend it to ourselves? That is where I seem to be caught.

Tonight JJ Heller told the background of her song- Your Hands. It was a time when she was facing a lot of anxiety and a lot of fear- and was questioning God, asking Him to take it away. Not understanding why she was suffering through it, or why it had to be a long, slow process. Hearing that story gave me hope, made me fall in love with the song so much more. That’s wehre I am. Facing a lot of anxiety, facing a lot of fear, and feeling like so much of what I knew or thought I had right- is being shaken. How many times have I been on my knees asking for answers, deliverance, and just for joy to be easy? Countless. But how much did God use that time for JJ Heller, and how much hope and truth can she speak into others’ lives through this song? There is beauty in the pain. We can choose to see it or choose to rush pain away. She has been able to minister to others through what she learned about herself and God through that process- and isn’t that why we’re here anyway? To find out more about Him?

I’ve been asking a lot of questions to God recently. And they are questions I wouldn’t have expected to ask because I thought I was so “strong” in my faith- never thought I would question Him this much. Why do people suffer from anxiety? Why can I lose sight of you so much during time of fear? Why do I have an expectation of what it means for you to answer a prayer? Do I have to do more to receive peace and take authority over Satan? Is faith like a mustard seed really enough? How much do I have to put armor on in this battle of life, and how much do I trust that you can heal with one word, one breath? How much of my walk with Him and pursuit of Him was fear driven, and what was time and effort that came out of love? Why do I think so much? Why do I question? Why am I questioning so much about my identity? Why is it hard to stand firm in truth? Why do I complicate things so much?

It’s almost as if I ask these questions but am scared of the answers, or don’t think He wants to answer them. But tonight made me rest a little easier. We are human. We are going to ask. We are going to fight. We are going to face battles. And truth is truth. But this is a story of growth. It’s a story of finding life. It’s a story of knowing that we belong to the kingdom of light when we are walking in a earth who needs the light. When we believe that Christ is going to transform us, be close to us, and walk with us throughout everything.

Tonight also affirmed the fact that our voices, our feelings, and truth all matter. I think I was scared of the way I feel sometimes, or scared to actually feel it, or think that I need to dismiss these things. but He understands. And how much was I blessed tonight by Audrey Assad tonight when she said that she enjoys being sad? When she said that it’s easier for her to write a lament than a song of joy. When it’s easier for her to be sad and to have sorrow- but that this is a part of this life. It’s something God understands- it’s something Jesus felt. It’s part of being real. Being raw. Being human. And she can write a lament, and write truth, and bring Christ into it- and it becomes real, it becomes  a story, it becomes a struggle. It becomes a way for being human but putting our hope in Christ a reality.

It got me excited to write again. It’s one of my favorite things. to just listen, to just be, to write, to express. And I have barely done it at all this year- because I haven’t thought what I had to say has worth. But it does because I want to be a voice for Him, and I want others to see Him working through what I write. I want to be willing to feel again, to express, to walk. To be confident in what is on my heart.To walk out of perfectionism into grace. To just believe.


Haven't we all learned more about how Christ redeems struggles through others who have gone before us? They have certainly been voices of hope for me. So I'm hoping to encourage and continue to be encouraged through the work that God is always doing and is going to continue to do.

So here we go. For His glory- for Him to be known, and to be okay with not getting it all right. Being okay with putting myself out there. Be okay with seeking truth even if it means it's hard to claim as my own or believe it. it means celebrating others- celebrating that each of us reflect His image. each of us show a different characteristic about our God. Believing that He who started a good work in me will carry it onto completion- Philippians 1:6.

Ps buy the Audrey Assad and JJ Heller albums- they are wonderful. Favorite songs for right now: Only Love Remains and True Things JJ Heller 

abundantly blessed.

wow. today has been quite the day. i have felt overwhelmingly blessed today- by so many different people and different circumstances. God is good.

this morning I woke up kinda feeling like a mess- i can tend to get super anxious in the morning. just had to give God the day, and know that He had things prepared for me.... little did I know this was going to be a HUGE day.

today i found out that I got into the Oxford Centre for Christian Apologetics!!!! I have been waiting on this answer, praying, and waiting for months. I was fully expecting a no- and God brought such a surprise today. I'm going to England!!! I will be taking a year to study apologetics and evangelism, and have the amazing opportunity to learn under some of the most wise and brilliant teachers I know. It is through Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, and I know that God has great things in store. The program is a 10 month program, I'll be taking classes, in a Bible Study, and traveling around Europe! what a dream. It is a door that God has opened- and all i can do is be ecstatic...to think about the things God is going to do next year gets me so excited. so many new people, new culture, new lifestyle. I can't even believe it.I'm going to be stretched and challenged- the program is going to kick me in the bootay, but what an amazing opportunity to learn. it's gunna be the bomb.

It has been a day to just celebrate with friends and family. I have been so encouraged by so many friends from my internship, my house, my small group.. and so many others. i have been able to share with family who is nothing but excited and full of support and encouragement! i even have a friend going over the pond with me! What a blessing from God.

my house has started making me practice in a British accent and learn the lingo- I'll be eating lots of fish and chips and meet lads in knickers who have to get plasters when they fall and scrape their knee in the lu (a sentence using as many new words as i can think of).

small group tonight was amazing. before small group three of us and a dear friend got to pray for her to accept Christ. wow. on the last small group of college. abundantly blessed. He is always working, always bringing us from death to life. what a privilege and an honor to get to experience that with a dear friend. then we did foot washing at small group. a way to show service, love, and forgiveness with the members. a time to humble ourselves and to serve, to lift one another up in prayer, and to celebrate the work God has done in our lives over the past four years. seeing girls cry, love, and celebrate friendships was amazing, and so humbling. the Lord has been doing big things in our small group. one girl who just joined this year, an awesome friend washed my feet tonight- and before she prayed, she said "I don't do this often- remember that," and yet prayed one of the most genuine, heart felt, open prayers before the Lord. she has grown so much over this year- and it was just a night to celebrate growth.


God has big plans in store. for each of us. it's holding onto that truth that is important. the verses that come to mind are Joshua 1:8-9, Philippians 1:6 and Ephesians 3:20.

today I have been abundantly blessed.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

called out.

I am in a small group with my lovely housemates- what up Brick House!!! We are led by the most wonderful Libby Ryder. Libby has shown me so much about living in trust and in grace these past 4 months or so. it’a amazing. i think i have learned so much of how we don’t have to have it all together. and we don’t need to fully get what it means to walk with Jesus- we aren’t supposed to and we’re not going to. that’s where grace is key. i think i have put Jesus in a box almost- and thought i knew what it meant to put my trust in him- but he keeps going deeper. through learning how much i dont trust recently, it’s actually making me trust so much more. the irony. i’m being called out of places of fear and trust in myself, to trust in the One who made me and understands me better than i understand myself. the one who formed me. the one who has a vision for me- and the one who knows and desires to heal me, to love me, and to make me whole. to be a daughter of the King. it’s a role and a title and an inheritance i am only beginning to skim the surface of understanding. 

In small group we studied 1 Peter 2, but i especially loved verses 9-12

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”

There are so many things I could write about and have been thinking about since reading this passage… but i’ll just go into two.

I was caught by the part that we have been called out of darkness into light. called out. and as i was thinking, an analogy came to my mind. Libby has the most precious daughter- ava. she is probably 2 (i should really know that ha). but i thought about this- if ava were to accidentally get stuck in the closet, she would be stuck in the dark. and if she didnt know what to do- she would have to be called out. but in order for that to happen, libby would have to know where she is, that she didnt belong in the dark, and that there was something more for her- and that the light was good. Libby would be a loving mother and call ava out of the darkness. and to do that you not only have to know where she is, but have a vision for the place she is going- to have a vision for the next step- the light. 

I think that is so cool because it is how God works too- at least as my mind can think about it. God takes his role as Father- and he knows it all. He knows when we are in the dark, he knows the things we don’t understand- and he calls us out. but in order for him to do that- he has to be loving. and he has to know. and he has to have a vision for something to call us to. He has a vision for the purpose and plan He created- he has a vision for our lives. we aren’t created to sit in the dark. he has called us out- with His powerful voice, and His wisdom- into something greater. into His plan.

my housemate egan added something great- we also have to be willing to listen and willing to leave the dark. we have to be still and know. and listen for his voice, trusting that he is calling us to something greater.

after i shared that- libby had an awesome story. one day ava and her friend locked themselves in a room- and it was pitch black. the little boy was hysterical, and ava was just fine. she almost didn’t know it was dark- or to be scared of the dark. if they had not called her out- she would have been fine for a while. but it happens. and we are in the dark sometimes, not even knowing what is really happening. 

i am so thankful that Jesus has called me out. and is continuing to. it’s His grace. and amongst the warring of the soul Peter talks about, and even when we don’t always listen, or even when life gets crazy and we don’t understand anything he is doing- we know He is good. He is a Father. and if we are in Him, we are chosen.