I've been able to take pictures, read, and write. Learning that those are three things that I absolutely love to do. Spending time with friends has been great. I've found myself really missing my JMU community. It's weird to go cold turkey. I'm thankful for phone dates and pen pals ;)
Anyways, more about that later. What I wanted to write about tonight kind of pours deep into my heart. And some might find it boring, some too flowery, some too vulnerable, but I'm deciding to take that risk. As much as I have thought about this subject for the past week, I just knew I had to write about it. So, here you go. If it encourages you, and leads you more to ask and want to know Christ, that is my only aim. Showing my heart just seems to be the avenue to that, at times.... such as now.
If you have questions, or wonder about why I can say the truths or claims that I do, please let me know. I didnt really incorporate much Scripture for what I was writing.. but it's there. so feel free to ask.
and ps- it may be the length of a novel. yikes.
I have been thinking about a line from a song “there’s
always scars when you fall that far.” It’s from a Christian band, and it’s such
an old school song- I loved it in middle school. Word up bring back the 90’s. But
in all seriousness, I thought that was a very valid and truth telling line. The
song is about how we lose our way, but we get back up. It’s not too late to get
back up and run to Jesus. Never. His love is always there- always calling. He
is always waiting for us. And I think sometimes as Christians, (I might be
making an generalized statement here but I know it applies to me) that we
expect ourselves to get better at being a Christian, or need Christ less, or
not be hurt as much, or just have to be better. And granted, the more we know
Christ, the more we know about God, and the more we understand His promises we
can grow in our capability to have peace and life, we are not in charge of our
peace. We are not the one who can free ourselves from our pain. That’s His job,
and He WANTS to!!! Why do we even want to rob him of that? Anyways, back to the
song (I can tend to get on tangents), there are always scars when you fall that
FAR. Do we forget how far we fell? Do we try and make light of our scars,
because we think we should be better? In Galatians 3, Paul talks about how the
Holy Spirit was the one who strengthened and gave them faith to believe when
they first believed, why do we now think that the relationship is in our strength
to maintain?!
When we fell, we fell hard. We went from absolute perfection,
to devastation, sin and wrath. We went to being in community and unity with
God, to wanting to run from him and do things on our own. Can we do that? No.
and our sin, plus the sin in the world, causes us pain. Real pain. In
relationships, in the world, in the way we relate to God, and in the way we
believe in WHO HE IS and what he REALLY wants for us.
In my opinion, in my 21 years of life, I have seen pain. I
have known heartache. And I know that everyone else on this planet has as well.
Is it the same? No. Do the same burdens that I bear fall the same onto others?
No. Have others suffered more? Yes. Have others suffered less? Yes. I don’t
think that anyone would deny the fact that there is evil; that there is pain,
and that there is heartache. And the question where did evil come from, and why
does God allow it is another question for another day.
But do we understand about the effects of that pain? Do we
understand that scars will happen? That scars are OKAY? That Jesus knows we
have scars? That scars do not surprise him? He is not surprised by the ways we
try to heal our wounds? So insufficiently? And I have tried to hide my scars. I
have tried to act like I am above them. I have acted like I should have not
allowed myself to form them, therefore withdrawing my heart from the most
furious, overpowering, everlasting, love that my soul could ever know. At times
I admit I am scared to show my scars to Christ, the One who bore the greatest
scars for my life. For my heart. For my scars to be mended, for there to
actually be something that can take my wounds to scars, to flesh. Christ also
had scars from the pain of this world, from the greatest wound, and the
greatest pain to bear, the cross. Yet his scars stand for triumph! The world,
the pain, death, could not overcome him. They were not too powerful for him.
Can our scars not stand for victory then as well? Can our scars not tell the
story of the Cross? Does His victory not reign in our hearts, in our souls? Can
we not hold onto, so deeply, and truly, Him who does not know too great a wound
for His touch? If He lives in us, and He does, He LIVES, then our scars no
longer have to stand for our pain. They do not have to stamp us with a mark of
sin. They do not have to bring the shame of the dark shadows; they can instead
become a beacon of light. They can become an immoveable, and irreplaceable way
for our lives to bring glory to His name. That is what we are here for,
anyways, isn’t it?
In my pride, in my heart, in my mind, I can fight His love,
I can reject victory, because my scars still hold a power over me. sometimes
when I think of the places of pain, when I see the things I run to instead of
Christ, when I remember the places I went to search for love. As if I think I
am better than that. As if I think Christ is ashamed of me, or disappointed in
me because of the places I have run. And so, in my pride, I think that I am not
worthy of love, and I do not let my scars become a place for healing. I do not
let them tell of a story of rescue. But that is my prayer, my plea, and my
desire. Let my scars, let my pain, and let my life tell of the greatest rescue
of all. Not only of the rescue of the world, but of the rescue of my soul. The
rescue of a soul thirsting for love, which found it in the place she thought
could never fill it. In Christ. Christ is always loving, always receiving,
always rejoicing over us.
Yes, we are going to have scars. Because we fell deeper than
just heartache and pain. We fell from life to death. We fell from light into
darkness. Yet this world does not recognize it. it does not even see some of
our true, deeper, scars as simple paper cuts at times. But it is in the places where
we go for healing, it is in the mirror of Christ’s love and presence that we
see how far we fell. Because we see how far we are from Him, from perfection.
But we can rejoice that he has bridged the gap. There are always scars when we
fall that far. We will run to places that are not God. We will put things
before Him, and we will not believe He is the answer at times in our
stubbornness. But He is not surprised. He knows the cause, the effects, and how
to heal our scars. He wants to use them, and He is calling.
When I heard this song in the car last week on the way to
the grocery store, I knew it was Christ. I knew he was calling. And I heard a
still small voice in the depths of my heart saying, do you believe that I am
healer? Do you believe I am Jehovah
Rapha, the Lord who heals you? I promise that is my name. I promise that is
my character. I have led you, healed you, and will never stop. I know your
scars, and let me be the one who makes them beautiful.
if you read this... YOU'RE A TROOPER!
