a voice.

Tonight I went to an Audrey Assad and JJ Heller concert. a super wonderful friend Annie Lawrence opened for them! She has just blossomed in her music career within the last year. She now writes her own music, has an album, and is opening for artists! Wild. Her story is one of redemption. It’s one of beauty. From knowing so much of her heart, and her past, and to see how God has transformed her fears into confidence, and taken the things that brought true pain and brought beauty is a wonder. It’s a true story of redemption. Her album is called Light is Stronger than Darkness- buy it on iTunes!! It’s a story of how being human and having struggles and joy meets the beauty and love of Jesus- it’s real and true and a story of hope.

http://www.annielawrencemusic.com/ --- CHECK IT OUT! 

Anyways, today made me think a lot about our voice. What we are passionate about. What we stand for. What we believe. What we say, what we sing, what we write, what we do. How we express it- and it takes the rist of willing to express what we think and what we feel. It takes strength to believe that it’s okay not to be accepted. It means taking the risk of not being perfect.

Why is that so much easier for some than others? I’ve realized how much perfectionism robs you of creativity, of joy, and of expressing yourself. And anxiety tied in with that- it’s almost robbed me of things that God has given me. why can risk be so hard? why do we praise perfection, when we can find so much rest and so much peace in seeing that others are human? Seeing that others are okay with accepting grace, with making mistakes, and extending grace allows us to breathe easy- but we are the last to extend it to ourselves? That is where I seem to be caught.

Tonight JJ Heller told the background of her song- Your Hands. It was a time when she was facing a lot of anxiety and a lot of fear- and was questioning God, asking Him to take it away. Not understanding why she was suffering through it, or why it had to be a long, slow process. Hearing that story gave me hope, made me fall in love with the song so much more. That’s wehre I am. Facing a lot of anxiety, facing a lot of fear, and feeling like so much of what I knew or thought I had right- is being shaken. How many times have I been on my knees asking for answers, deliverance, and just for joy to be easy? Countless. But how much did God use that time for JJ Heller, and how much hope and truth can she speak into others’ lives through this song? There is beauty in the pain. We can choose to see it or choose to rush pain away. She has been able to minister to others through what she learned about herself and God through that process- and isn’t that why we’re here anyway? To find out more about Him?

I’ve been asking a lot of questions to God recently. And they are questions I wouldn’t have expected to ask because I thought I was so “strong” in my faith- never thought I would question Him this much. Why do people suffer from anxiety? Why can I lose sight of you so much during time of fear? Why do I have an expectation of what it means for you to answer a prayer? Do I have to do more to receive peace and take authority over Satan? Is faith like a mustard seed really enough? How much do I have to put armor on in this battle of life, and how much do I trust that you can heal with one word, one breath? How much of my walk with Him and pursuit of Him was fear driven, and what was time and effort that came out of love? Why do I think so much? Why do I question? Why am I questioning so much about my identity? Why is it hard to stand firm in truth? Why do I complicate things so much?

It’s almost as if I ask these questions but am scared of the answers, or don’t think He wants to answer them. But tonight made me rest a little easier. We are human. We are going to ask. We are going to fight. We are going to face battles. And truth is truth. But this is a story of growth. It’s a story of finding life. It’s a story of knowing that we belong to the kingdom of light when we are walking in a earth who needs the light. When we believe that Christ is going to transform us, be close to us, and walk with us throughout everything.

Tonight also affirmed the fact that our voices, our feelings, and truth all matter. I think I was scared of the way I feel sometimes, or scared to actually feel it, or think that I need to dismiss these things. but He understands. And how much was I blessed tonight by Audrey Assad tonight when she said that she enjoys being sad? When she said that it’s easier for her to write a lament than a song of joy. When it’s easier for her to be sad and to have sorrow- but that this is a part of this life. It’s something God understands- it’s something Jesus felt. It’s part of being real. Being raw. Being human. And she can write a lament, and write truth, and bring Christ into it- and it becomes real, it becomes  a story, it becomes a struggle. It becomes a way for being human but putting our hope in Christ a reality.

It got me excited to write again. It’s one of my favorite things. to just listen, to just be, to write, to express. And I have barely done it at all this year- because I haven’t thought what I had to say has worth. But it does because I want to be a voice for Him, and I want others to see Him working through what I write. I want to be willing to feel again, to express, to walk. To be confident in what is on my heart.To walk out of perfectionism into grace. To just believe.


Haven't we all learned more about how Christ redeems struggles through others who have gone before us? They have certainly been voices of hope for me. So I'm hoping to encourage and continue to be encouraged through the work that God is always doing and is going to continue to do.

So here we go. For His glory- for Him to be known, and to be okay with not getting it all right. Being okay with putting myself out there. Be okay with seeking truth even if it means it's hard to claim as my own or believe it. it means celebrating others- celebrating that each of us reflect His image. each of us show a different characteristic about our God. Believing that He who started a good work in me will carry it onto completion- Philippians 1:6.

Ps buy the Audrey Assad and JJ Heller albums- they are wonderful. Favorite songs for right now: Only Love Remains and True Things JJ Heller 

abundantly blessed.

wow. today has been quite the day. i have felt overwhelmingly blessed today- by so many different people and different circumstances. God is good.

this morning I woke up kinda feeling like a mess- i can tend to get super anxious in the morning. just had to give God the day, and know that He had things prepared for me.... little did I know this was going to be a HUGE day.

today i found out that I got into the Oxford Centre for Christian Apologetics!!!! I have been waiting on this answer, praying, and waiting for months. I was fully expecting a no- and God brought such a surprise today. I'm going to England!!! I will be taking a year to study apologetics and evangelism, and have the amazing opportunity to learn under some of the most wise and brilliant teachers I know. It is through Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, and I know that God has great things in store. The program is a 10 month program, I'll be taking classes, in a Bible Study, and traveling around Europe! what a dream. It is a door that God has opened- and all i can do is be ecstatic...to think about the things God is going to do next year gets me so excited. so many new people, new culture, new lifestyle. I can't even believe it.I'm going to be stretched and challenged- the program is going to kick me in the bootay, but what an amazing opportunity to learn. it's gunna be the bomb.

It has been a day to just celebrate with friends and family. I have been so encouraged by so many friends from my internship, my house, my small group.. and so many others. i have been able to share with family who is nothing but excited and full of support and encouragement! i even have a friend going over the pond with me! What a blessing from God.

my house has started making me practice in a British accent and learn the lingo- I'll be eating lots of fish and chips and meet lads in knickers who have to get plasters when they fall and scrape their knee in the lu (a sentence using as many new words as i can think of).

small group tonight was amazing. before small group three of us and a dear friend got to pray for her to accept Christ. wow. on the last small group of college. abundantly blessed. He is always working, always bringing us from death to life. what a privilege and an honor to get to experience that with a dear friend. then we did foot washing at small group. a way to show service, love, and forgiveness with the members. a time to humble ourselves and to serve, to lift one another up in prayer, and to celebrate the work God has done in our lives over the past four years. seeing girls cry, love, and celebrate friendships was amazing, and so humbling. the Lord has been doing big things in our small group. one girl who just joined this year, an awesome friend washed my feet tonight- and before she prayed, she said "I don't do this often- remember that," and yet prayed one of the most genuine, heart felt, open prayers before the Lord. she has grown so much over this year- and it was just a night to celebrate growth.


God has big plans in store. for each of us. it's holding onto that truth that is important. the verses that come to mind are Joshua 1:8-9, Philippians 1:6 and Ephesians 3:20.

today I have been abundantly blessed.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

called out.

I am in a small group with my lovely housemates- what up Brick House!!! We are led by the most wonderful Libby Ryder. Libby has shown me so much about living in trust and in grace these past 4 months or so. it’a amazing. i think i have learned so much of how we don’t have to have it all together. and we don’t need to fully get what it means to walk with Jesus- we aren’t supposed to and we’re not going to. that’s where grace is key. i think i have put Jesus in a box almost- and thought i knew what it meant to put my trust in him- but he keeps going deeper. through learning how much i dont trust recently, it’s actually making me trust so much more. the irony. i’m being called out of places of fear and trust in myself, to trust in the One who made me and understands me better than i understand myself. the one who formed me. the one who has a vision for me- and the one who knows and desires to heal me, to love me, and to make me whole. to be a daughter of the King. it’s a role and a title and an inheritance i am only beginning to skim the surface of understanding. 

In small group we studied 1 Peter 2, but i especially loved verses 9-12

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”

There are so many things I could write about and have been thinking about since reading this passage… but i’ll just go into two.

I was caught by the part that we have been called out of darkness into light. called out. and as i was thinking, an analogy came to my mind. Libby has the most precious daughter- ava. she is probably 2 (i should really know that ha). but i thought about this- if ava were to accidentally get stuck in the closet, she would be stuck in the dark. and if she didnt know what to do- she would have to be called out. but in order for that to happen, libby would have to know where she is, that she didnt belong in the dark, and that there was something more for her- and that the light was good. Libby would be a loving mother and call ava out of the darkness. and to do that you not only have to know where she is, but have a vision for the place she is going- to have a vision for the next step- the light. 

I think that is so cool because it is how God works too- at least as my mind can think about it. God takes his role as Father- and he knows it all. He knows when we are in the dark, he knows the things we don’t understand- and he calls us out. but in order for him to do that- he has to be loving. and he has to know. and he has to have a vision for something to call us to. He has a vision for the purpose and plan He created- he has a vision for our lives. we aren’t created to sit in the dark. he has called us out- with His powerful voice, and His wisdom- into something greater. into His plan.

my housemate egan added something great- we also have to be willing to listen and willing to leave the dark. we have to be still and know. and listen for his voice, trusting that he is calling us to something greater.

after i shared that- libby had an awesome story. one day ava and her friend locked themselves in a room- and it was pitch black. the little boy was hysterical, and ava was just fine. she almost didn’t know it was dark- or to be scared of the dark. if they had not called her out- she would have been fine for a while. but it happens. and we are in the dark sometimes, not even knowing what is really happening. 

i am so thankful that Jesus has called me out. and is continuing to. it’s His grace. and amongst the warring of the soul Peter talks about, and even when we don’t always listen, or even when life gets crazy and we don’t understand anything he is doing- we know He is good. He is a Father. and if we are in Him, we are chosen.